2022: The Year it Finally Happens

So it has been a while since I write something on this blog. I feel now the momentum is just right: it's holiday season, I am not traveling anywhere, I have time, and I am bored haha. I also got an excuse to write my Blah Blah again with #30haribercerita, an annual campaign to write 30 days straight every January. It's originally based on Instagram, but I find Instagram is not my place anymore to write long captions so I move to blog. And since I have limited time to post it, I can’t overdo and overthink it haha so let's see how this goes.

I want to start my writing with a reflection about 2022: The Year it Finally Happens. Yes, 2022 for me is like a dream come true, finally. I got a scholarship to pursue my master's degree abroad. It still feels surreal up to this day that I am here, right now, in Germany. A developed country that has high GDP and good social security. When I am still in Indonesia, I always wonder what it looks like. A developed nation. Is it different from mine? How different? How behind are we in Indonesia, etc. But I will not talk further about it now.

I already think about pursuing a master's degree abroad in 2018, when I was still in Konawe. But there’s not much I can do at that time. So, after coming back to Jakarta, I go again to Kampung Inggris in Pare to learn IELTS intensively. I remember it was Ramadhan when we were fasting all day. After months of learning, I got my IELTS and from there my scholarship application starts rolling.

It was not an easy journey, indeed. Part of it is self-doubt that hindered me back. “Am I experienced enough for this? What can I bring to the table?” Many times I was excited when a scholarship open only to find that I didn’t submit my application in the end, sabotaging myself because of the doubts. I think the hardest failure I have is with LPDP because I got to the interview stage 2 times but didn't make it.

I remember when I got interviewed in 2021, it was end of the year so it's quite packed in the office. But that time I was so excited, I did mock-up interviews several times before the real one came. I think I was doing my best, going above and beyond what I usually do. And yet when the interview came, I knew that I will not make it. At that time, I take my failure too personally (well, now I can look at it more objectively and understand why it didn't work). I remember I have to go to another city right after the interview and just cried silently on the train. At that point, I felt so stuck because 2022 will be yet another year I have to try applying for scholarships again.

That moment was so draining, I literally don't have the excitement anymore to apply anywhere. Even when early 2022 I got an email from Heidelberg to be interviewed, I did it without hoping too much. I really don't want to expect anything again. But, turns out, Heidelberg/DAAD was the one I got accepted. Sometimes, you get it at the point when you already surrender, when you feel indifferent to whatever the result will be. 

The full experience is far more nuanced and textured than what I write here in the blog. It is full of ups and downs. I really thank everyone who accompanies me on the journey. 

I think from this chapter on my life, I try to believe that everything will fall into place at the right time. Trust His Timing. Looking back, if I got accepted in 2019, who knows that in 2020 there will be a major pandemic coming up? I can’t imagine how I live abroad, alone, and in isolation because of Covid-19. It feels right that it happen in 2022 considering some circumstances in my family and also work. 

But, humans can only make this connection backward. While we are still on it, we keep on questioning why certain things don't happen as we want. Maybe that’s just the essence of life. That’s what makes us humans, after all. Full of hopes, disappointments, gains, and losses.

In 2023, I want to believe that mantra again, in other aspects of my life. Trust His Timing. Let this be a reminder when I forget and frustrate over things again. 

Happy new year!

Im Neuenheimer Feld, 01.01.2023