Why I Write: On Scholarship Journey

Why I Write is a poem by Lang Leav posted on her Instagram. 

I read it because my friends repost it on her instastory, the words strike me. And why I write is the same question that motivates me to write more on my blog recently. 

But first, I want to say something. 

Have I told you that searching a scholarship is a tiring journey?

I don't know about you, but honestly for me, constantly being checked about my past, my present and my future aspirations make me feels like I was on a brain scan procedure. I was under an assessment, whether I am the candidate they search, or not. 

I don't know about you. But I don't think in a normal circumstance people will question that much about their life. The evaluation usually comes at the end of the year, trying to digest what you achieved and whatnot, to start planning for your next year's goals.

But when applying to the scholarship, you might have come with some basic idea about yourself, but still, you need to check again what quality does the committee search and see if yours matched. Some search for ones with high profile, showing alpha characteristics that possess strong commitment in their field. Some search for a high sense of nationality and give back to the country. Some of them eager to know what you have done with your community. Again, you need to check and recheck inside yourself, your experience, your thoughts, your feelings. It sometimes comes to the point when it overwhelms me. 

Yet I also find it a rewarding journey. Each attempt peels a layer inside my self that previously unknown, or unrecognized. Each application reassures me if this really what I want to do in the future. It is a storm of the unknown, yet while going through it, I understand my self better. Someone said that once we make that goal, it doesn't matter if it takes years to achieve. The gap between is not year wasted. It is years worth exploring your aspirations. Eventually, you will find the answers.

So now, I have three failed attempts. Seeing how my friends struggle until eight or ten, I don't feel the right to say I'm done. There are so many doors that I don't knock yet, it's so early to give up. But what's behind that number, is months of waiting, preparing to the next stage, anxious to see the result. I am lying if it's not drained me. You are so sure at first that you will accept whatever the result. At the very least, you've tried. But when you read those words saying that you failed, you cannot pass it without thinking bad about yourself. It shook you for some days. But when it already passes the grieve, you could start to see the silver lining. You start to be more objective about your failure. You start to get up again. 

I start to think, that the previous three is not even the beginning. It is my free trial period. The real battle just about to begin this October, when most of the universities open their admissions as the new students commenced last month. The next one year will be packed with the emotions roller coaster. It's also said, you need to prepare to hit the rock bottom, yet at the same time have a strong belief that you will achieve it. Envisioning that September next year, I will be on the other side of the world, starting a new journey. 

"If God helps you, none can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in God (Alone) let believers put their trust."

And the reason I write this on my blog is that I want to encourage others who currently going through the same condition. I do believe, like books, words will find their readers. I have to say thank you to those who bravely vulnerable enough to share their stories. Yours encourages me. And I want my words to find you, only when you need it. I don't have to share my stories with everyone on my friend list merely because of their name on it. Not everyone interested to pursue the same thing as mine and I respect that 

To think about it, I now start to realize why we become so anxious about social media. We constantly bombarded with friend's life updates that don't always align with ours. As a result, we start to compare our stage of life, while the truth is, how can we compare something that not event on the same road? It's weird. It's quite different from a blog where I could only find what I search. I consciously choose what I want to see. While on social media, whenever I feel bored, I just scroll my twitter timeline or swipe my IG stories to find updates and information. While from the outside its just a small activity to kill time, our subconscious mind will process the information and make the interpretation and judgment. Well, I go a bit out of topic. But you get what I'm saying, right? And that is why I choose to write here. 

I see you in my next post!